Surviving the all or nothing mentality
Turning it inside out
If you haven’t seen Inside Out 2 yet… make sure you watch it if you do not want any spoilers. Spoiler alert: this letter contains a few spoilers, but I will warn you before we get to them.
Whoever wrote Inside Out 2 deserves a raise, the world, and stake in Pixar as a company, because I have never related and reflected so heavily to a Pixar film as I did yesterday. When Inside Out came out in 2016, I was sitting heavily depressed in my Toronto apartment, trying to heal from a concussion. I definitely should not have been watching a movie, but I think the universe knew that I needed to watch that film, and every other adult who grew up on Disney films and were now experiencing heavy doses of reality.
As I mentioned in my previous letter, an accident that left me unable to dance professionally and uprooted my dance career for a few years, in my prime, was the worst and best thing to ever happen to me. I still do not know where my all-or-nothing mentality came from, but it was strong as a kid. Maybe it was the praise of getting all A’s, breaking swimming records, winning awards at dance competitions, or people telling me I had what it took to “make it”, or every art being turned into an competition (American Idol, So You Think You Can Dance, etc) but while all the time dedicated to rehearsing and training kept me out of trouble, it did a number on my mental health when life went sideways.
Many would comment that I had an insatiable drive and an amazing dedication to anything I set my mind to, and while that felt like a compliment at first, I realized that furthering my already addicted to success belief systems was not doing me any favors. I was the kid that would choose practice over a birthday party, a show over a wedding, and anything that came in the way of my career was a no. That was, until I discovered alcohol in college and after a big break-up, I desperately wanted some friends. Musical theater can be a particularly judgmental career, but at least having a few friends helps make the rejections and cruelty a little easier.
When life was amazing, I was on top of the world and everything was incredible, but when it was not, I would hide away from the whole world and everything was terrible and awful. It felt like there was no in-between. So when a life-changing accident happened, the world ended for me, because my belief systems were not conducive to being a human being.
STOP HERE for spoilers. Big photo for space breaks.
The film begins with Riley pursuing her dream of hockey in high school, winning the high school game with some assists from her emotions “Joy, Sadness, Fear, Anger, and Disgust”, and an invite to a hockey camp with the coach that could determine her high school career. Through these years with the emotions, Riley’s “emotional core” is built which echoes “I am a good person”.
In the middle of the night an emergency alarm goes off, a pimple appears on her face, and before you know it, a construction crew drops in to expand her emotional sector. Anxiety, Embarrassment, Nostalgia, Ennui, and Envy" enter the picture and take-over, especially anxiety. I cackled so hard because this one was definitely for the adults, not the kids. With only one tiny little touch to the board, Riley explodes with anger or sadness.
12 cups of coffee later, Anxiety goes to work banishing the emotions to prison, ripping Riley’s core away, and going through the 02394930834 pathways of everything that could go wrong while planning for Riley’s successful future. I mean anxiety thinks of EVERYTHING from every little interaction, getting up earlier for rehearsals, who Riley hangs out with, and even doing some not so great things to make sure her future is exactly what she wants.
Overtime, Riley’s core beliefs are changed by anxiety:
“If I’m good at hockey, I’ll have friends.”
“I have to be friends with Val or…”
“I will only be successful if I score 3 goals and make the hockey team as a freshman.”
I cried.
Slowly, Riley unravels, treating her old friends horribly, hating on her old bands, and acting in ways she never would have before, just for these new core beliefs to try and be “successful.”
I can’t tell you how many times I thought, “I am only doing this if I am the pinnacle of success. I must be successful to have friends. I must be successful for my parents to think I’m worthy of having an arts career. I must be successful for people to want me. I must be successful or I will die a failure. If I am not perfect at this *insert thing here* it is not worth my time.”
Whether it is dance, musical theater, a filmmaker, or a ballroom dancer, professional swimmer, or whatever, every core belief has been achieving the highest possible thing, or it not being worth doing at all.
If I don’t make it on Broadway, what’s the point?
If I don’t win an Oscar, what’s the point?
If I don’t go to Sundance, what’s the point?
If I don’t win “Dancing with the Stars” what’s the point?
If I don’t go to the Olympics, what’s the point?
What is the fucking point?
What is the fucking point?
What is the fucking point?
And I quit when I realized I could never achieve that thing. (Ok, I quit swimming also because I was allergic to chlorine and could die lol, but when I stopped growing and stopped being on track to be an Olympian, I said fuck this).
The time away was such a blessing because I realized - if we all are trying to be the one spot and there’s billions of people on this earth, what does that mean for humanity? If we all quit every time we cannot be “the best” at something, what does that mean? Is this whole system meant to drive capitalism?
When I got the next closest thing to Broadway, and I still wasn’t happy, and when I talked to my friends on Broadway, and they weren’t happy, what were these beliefs all for?
I guess I needed to hit this extreme point to come back to my childhood self, who I found again in a retreat in Costa Rica. I ended up in Costa Rica after my second surgery, because I needed a break from watching all my friends succeed in America. While I went with Revive Restorative Retreats, there was also another retreat going on, and we did a little “retreat swap” with the Qoya retreat group there and there was a few moments that changed my life.
We had to partner up with someone that we did not know, and one person would open their eyes and “hold space” for the person to dance or do whatever they wanted for a few minutes. No judgement on your face. Just holding safe space. At the end, the person would give you a hug. For the first time in years, I poured my soul out into moving my body and dancing how I could without one of my arms, and cried when she hugged me. And I cried when I held space for her, and hugged her at the end.
After that exercise, we all laid on the floor and closed our eyes. The leader took us through a meditation, and at the end she asked two questions. The first was to imagine our 90+ years old self at the end of our life, and what she would say to us now if she could. We lived in that space for at least 5 minutes or so. The second was to imagine our 5 year old self, and what she would say to us now.
I guess some people are moved by death, and maybe I am more-so now, but after a near-death experience I guess that one didn’t have the same impact. But, watching little 5 year old Makayla come back to life, and just sing and dance at the top of her lungs because she loved to, felt the need to express herself, and to PLAY and have fun. That hit me. Little 5 year old Makayla said to me: Don’t forget to create. Don’t forget to play. FUN! I miss the fun! Little 5 year old Makayla didn’t have a concept or attachment to success. Little Makayla didn’t worry about how much money something did or didn’t make. Little Boo-boo (as my dad would call me) made every moment fun, and created something out of nothing.
I am so tired of how we ask questions as a society, and maybe we need to ask better questions.
When I say I’m an actress - so where have I seen you on TV?
When I say I’m a singer - so when are you coming out with an album?
When I say I’m a dancer - oh were you on So You Think You Can Dance?
When I saw I’m a filmmaker - oh have you been in Sundance?
What if we started asking people “What are you creating?” or “What are you proud of?” or “Who did you bring joy to today?”
Maybe, just maybe, we can escape this hell-scape of hyper-individualism, success-obsession driving every decision, and come back to valuing humans, creation, and vitality.
At the end, we see Riley waiting for the email about whether or not she made the hockey team, but we do not get the result. Her new identity is a combination of both, with the amazing things about her, and the things that some may consider “flaws” but make Riley - Riley. I love Pixar for that.
I love my dogs, because at the end of the day, they do not care if I was on TV or Broadway, or if I made 6-7 figures (as long as I bring their kibble home). They only care if they get cuddles, belly rubs, and some quality time of play. No longer pursuing the complete obsession of “success” has created a lot more brain-space to create. Write.
Sharing Shredded has been such an interesting process, because while it has impacted many people that have watched it, comments from screeners/reviewers like this concern me about the future of film:
“Not every film needs to have a happy ending nor should every film have a complete resolution to whatever conflict has been presented. But for a film of this nature where not a great deal happens (that is not a negative) other than an opening up of its two characters… A film of this nature needs complete resolution so as not to leave the audience disillusioned.”
I realize Shredded will not be ever viewer’s taste, but this film was not an action piece or a “trauma-porn” as some like to call drama’s with massive swings of devastation. But it does concern me that someone learning to open up is “not a big deal” or “not a great deal happens”, because we are all on this journey of humans learning to connect in a society that is making it harder than ever to truly connect, and re-learning our childhood selves and how all of those things integrate together to make us - us.
Inside Out 2 gives me more hope that we create films that reflect where we are as humans and a society and how we can embrace other aspects of ourselves and life to live together in a more beautiful and full way.